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Noah's Ark

Noah's Ark... If It Happened Today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save you and your family, and two of every creature. Build therefore the Ark."

And in a flash of lightning the Lord delivered the specifications for the Ark to Noah.

"Okay, Lord." Said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it'll start to rain", thundered the Lord. "You'd better have an Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the sky clouded up and the rain began to fall. The Lord look down and saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping, with no Ark.

"Noah!" The Lord shouted...."Where is the Ark!!???"

"Lord please forgive me!" Begged Noah. "I did my best... but there were BIG PROBLEMS! First I had to get a building permit for building the Ark, and the blueprints didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any Owls!

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, but still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. Just when the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filling an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps Of Engineers wanted me to give them a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe!

Right now, I am still trying to solve a complaint from the Equal Employment Oppurtunities Commission over how many Croatians I'm suppossed to hire.

The IRS has seized all of my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got notice from the State about owing them some kind of use tax.

I really need about another 50 years to finish the Ark," Noah said.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," the Lord said, "the Government already has."

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